Whelp It’s Gone

I recently decided to take the leap and shave all my hair off. This was a premeditated decision. Oftentimes it feels like when a woman shaves her head she is going through a psychotic episode, but I must ensure you this is one of the most empowering moves a woman can make. I’m assuming Britney Spears going live shaving her head did wonders in perpetuating the stereotype of weakness when a woman shaves her head #freebritney. Yet this was definitely needed and perhaps did have a small amount to do with my mental health.

I decided to shave my head when I noticed how much I loved my hair. It was becoming a problem. Not going to lie I looked amazing with long hair. I still love the way I look with long hair. The problem came when I enjoyed my looks too much. I have always struggled with empathetic boundaries and often gave too much of myself away for the good of others. When I realized how STUNNING I looked with my hair I started to protect my energy and honor myself way more than I used to. This was amazing in understanding my energetic boundaries and keeping my energy to myself, yet it slowly ate away at my empathy.

When you’re conventionally pretty you get away with a lot more, its living life on easy mode. Cops love pretty white girls, jobs see your pretty face and make a judgement based on that as opposed to your qualifications, people are just more likely to interact with you in a positive way. When you are not conventionally pretty it becomes harder to get away with being a shitty human. It puts more pressure on your relationships with others and takes away others people desire to keep you happy all the time.

I shaved my head because I started to look at who I was and really didn’t approve of a lot of my actions. I was ready for the attachment to my hair to be gone. I was ready for a new start as a new human. Shaving my head has already been so much of a learning experience. It showed me the relationships dynamics that were twisted because of my looks, it showed me my head shape which is something I think everyone worries about, and most of all it showed me ME.

Something I am really excited about is making myself the best version of me thats available. There is nothing that says I’m serious about my personal growth than starting over again. My hair is my growth. I am a goddess. I deserve to be a goddess. I deserve to have all the things I need to make my life goal happen and I deserve to be comfortable doing it. I am not allowed to be handed these things without working for them.

When I shaved my head I stopped eating meat entirely. It’s like a full reset of my body. I am also beginning to understand my brain in a new way. I am deciding to develop a system to understand the world around me a more clear theory of mind. I think shaving my head was the only way to allow me to fully understand myself. I look forward to deciphering my inner depths and growing into a more compassionate, loving goddess. A goddess who cares about others as much as she cares for herself. It will take patience but my hair will grow back fast.

The decision to shave my head was final, there is only the slow growth back. My belief is the more I focus on being my actual best self, the faster my hair will grow.

I mean I never really left goddess status, it’s just less obvious.

Rivers

Rivers are so many things all at the same time, the calm, the fast, the rocky. A river is its whole being at all times. It exists in it’s calm as equally as its rapids. Its rapids don’t take away from its calm.

Its as if a river is living at all points of its life at once, just like us. A water molecule doesn’t know that this calm, slowness will soon be turned over into raging white rapids. It only experiences where it is at that moment. It is only the experience of the molecule that says this is how it is. The water molecule accepts where it is as where it is supposed to be. You don’t see water resisting the river, there is only flowing. Once water experiences the peace of the calm river it does not seek to return as soon as it left. If there were no rapids the water would be bored. The water is present.

A river exists in the duality of form. It exists as two parts of a whole. The constant ever-changing water, and the consistency of the river bed. without either of these, the river would not exist. one needs the other like the earth needs the moon. Through this, the river exists constant yet changing.

A river is aware of each aspect of its life. It understands the calm as much as it understands the fast. The calm does not outway the fast, and both things happen at the same time. The river is cherished for all aspects of itself. It is beautiful to witness as all points of its life. and its beginnings and ends are eternally present as with its middle parts. The river may shift and change in small ways but the river is there. IT IS. That is all a river can do. Exist.

The Ocean

The ocean is vast, overwhelming to conceptualize, the only natural wonder we would never be able to completely eradicate. Its energy remains, unceasingly wise, irreducibly cosmic. The calmness of the sea turtle permeates throughout, even when stormy weather causes the ocean to take form closer to the fierceness of the great white. The storm increases the energy but it never loses who it is. It may seem, look, be, angry yet the ocean accepts this with the entirety of all knowledge, This too shall pass. The essence of the ocean is calmness. It is unwaveringly itself in all ways.

The crystal blues to the dark greens have little to do with the essence. When standing next to this gigantic body of water that never seems to change yet is the epitome of change in itself, it is humbling to those who choose to notice the all-encompassing knowledge hidden behind every crash of a wave to every rock washed onto the shore, to every grain of sand chiseled away from the sandcastle built too close to high tide.

To think of the ocean is to think of everything. The representation of life engulfing us all. Every fish has a purpose, every piece of seaweed is an equal member of the ocean. An ocean is more than water, it is alive, a living being whose soul is more complicated and vast than any human could ever comprehend.

To feel the way the ocean feels is to feel big. To feel as if you are weightless while simultaneously being the heaviest thing on Earth. The feeling that every action made is one of love, of complete trust in cosmic timing, in total understanding of the infinity of the universe. The knowledge that there is only now. The feeling of just being. The essence of life permeates through every crash of every wave to every rock it has the capacity to touch.

Conscious Evolution is Our Next Step Forward

Let’s talk about the history of the world.

What has happened in the past 2000 years? Human beings have grown and thrived in our earthly environment, we’ve made it our home, while also trashing it like a group of teenagers just trying to have fun.

It’s interesting to think about the span of our latest 2000 years in terms of one human lifespan. When we really sit down and observe our overall history it should be noted that at the beginning of our consciousness we as a species were hyperaware of the Earth and all that she did for us. We praised her and loved her like a child loves their mother. We knew she made the rules and we were here to follow those rules like a mother informs her child to pick up after themselves and sit during dinner. However, as we as the human species evolved we began to act out, killing too many animals, hurting ourselves, throwing trash everywhere like a teenager who doesn’t understand the amazing life they should be grateful to have. We have acted like an adolescent species, thinking we are the ones in charge of our own life, and like teenagers, there is truth to our convictions. However, that doesn’t mean we are right.

The next step in our growth as a species is growing out of our “I know best” mentality. We have to wake up to the fact that our mother was right all along like a 25-year-old calls their mom when they realize they have no idea how to start a load of laundry. We are still growing as a species, it is time for us to accept the consequences of our actions instead of blaming our parents for not having enough to support us. The Earth can’t be our mother anymore, we have to be her friend.

Intra Muros

I stepped into a rather expensive antique store today thinking to myself “I doubt I’m going to actually buy anything here.” This was incorrect believe it or not. This certain place was filled with art ranging from $500 to $55,000, you can see why I made this assumption. Anyway, after walking up and down the glass cabinets filled with precious jewels, WWII memorabilia, and overly fancy plates, to name a few things, my boyfriend and I stumbled upon the loft as they called it. This upper attic was filled with less pricey items and had a boom box playing up to date music. As the radio played “If it’s meant to be let it be, baby just let it be” I picked up a book costing $9 and ended up reading it all day today.

The book I picked up was titled Intra Muros by Rebecca Ruter Springer with a copywrite from 1898. I only read the first page while in the store, to which it said something about how divine life is more integral in our life than we know, this got me and I needed to read more, thinking it was a philosophical text that goes along with my values and understandings. I was incorrect and this book turned out to be a woman’s vision of heaven as given to her on her “death bed.”

Basically, this woman, the author Rebecca,  was laying sickly in an unknown place when her ceased brother came to her and beckoned her forth. She went with him and came into a land loving and pure, with rivers that take away pain, flowers that never whither, and all of her past loved ones. This was heaven.

The reason I feel the need to write about this is because throughout the 75-page book this place was so innately centered around the Christian sense of heaven that it struck me. I feel as though at the time this was written people were so densely caught in the church’s idea of heaven and hell that everything they did was for another, a bigger being than themselves. There is something admirable about loving another so deeply that everything is done in duty of him and when he looks upon you, there is a deep sense of belonging and love.

This is part of the evolution of human consciousness. In the back of the book, Rebecca has added another chapter to talk about questions she gets regarding her experience, at some point or another, she mentions how by being with God in this way your soul expands enough to except more God every day. This is seen as a metaphor throughout the story,  first, she can only see the river which she goes through in order to cleanse herself from earthly life. Next, after she has spent some time in the earth like heavenly land, she is taken to see the lake, and sometime later, what she explains to be almost years, she is taken to see the sea. You see the more time you spend with your soul the closer you come to being one with your soul. The more time we as a human collective experience have worked to understand ourselves and grow, the closer we get to being God ourselves.

It is almost like this woman was permitted to have this experience and come back to write about it in order for us now to see how far we have gotten. I am God. I feel as though God and I have no separation and when I die I will continue to be part of God, as I am now.

I enjoyed reading this excerpt from the most enlightened a person can be in the late 19th century. I feel as though as these people in heaven then were able to grow their souls to be closer to God, over time this has mimicked to the physical world in such a way that philosophy and human existence in its physical form have grown to include the Divine. As Springer put it in quite a few more words, these two lives are more connected than one can see on the mortal scale.

Today is only now.

I feel inadequate. I suppose that may not be the correct word. I feel as though my life is meant for a lot so when I fail to live up to doing a lot in a day it makes me feel as though I am worthless. I suppose that inadequate was the correct word, unable to live up to expectation. I am obviously very aware that everything planned for me to do will be done. It is the action of doing it that seems overwhelming and scary from my viewpoint today.

A psychic once told me I would end up with a Ph.D. which at the time she told me I think I was a preteen about 12. That’s a big standard to set for a 12-year-old. Looking back, this clairvoyant was uncomfortable in my presence I could feel this, whether it was to do with my overflowing anxiety disorder or my untapped potential is unknown. I do remember the feeling that I wanted her to accept me as I was, I wished she would look at me for more than a second. However, she was only human and I had met her at a wedding it was not her responsibility to do these things for me. I am extremely grateful for the ball she got rolling in my head. The universe led me to that night to prepare me for what my life would turn out to be.

I feel life is filled with paths. I can choose the path of unrest, the path of sadness, anxiety and upset. I could equally choose the path of excitement, work, motivation. The first one is much easier than the second but the choice is obvious.

Today I pulled a card, Channel Your Knowledge. Tarot cards have always aided in raising my vibration past the anxious aspects of life. I feel as a child, metaphysically, I was vibrating so highly already that collective energy of the world affected me. I feel I have a better understanding of my anxiety today. I feel my life is meant to do great things if only I remember to take it one day at a time. If only I remember that life is meant to be lived not fought. Flowing with life is part of being in life. Doing is being. being is doing. there is no point to life if one sits all day in front of the computer filling out paperwork, being a worker bee. Worker-bees are also important but if you are called to be part of the great divine who are you to say you are hearing a false call.

Listen to what your intuition tells you. You are on the right path. You are one with the divine. God is everywhere, if you can’t find him, you are the one who left.

Today is a different day

So I quit my job as a server at the 99 and now I am trying to make my own path in life. Serving is a dead end because you make good money but you get nowhere. You get stuck in the cycle, in the instant gratification of money at the end of the shift. Almost like a sim game, you get paid after you gave up your time playing the real-time life that is living as a human on earth.

I’ve realized that life is an illusion, all things we have manufactured on this earth to kill time have been of no use. The point of life is to love, live, and do. If you’re dharma consists of serving, then do it! If you’re called to do another, more abstractly guided thing do that! I have realized that my life is not meant to be spent going into work just to leave work. My life is meant to help. My life is meant to be one with the world and join the children of earth to the great ether of reality. I am one with the world. I am part of the whole. Only once you realize that God is everything, therefore, you are a god in yourself, do you realize that life is not bound by physical means. The physical is merely the aspect of life that we all must work around, realize that the physical is slipping away and the metaphysical can proliferate now. We are in the 22nd hour. The time of manifestation, the time of love, the time to choose who you wish to be and how you wish to be it.

The only thing stopping you is waiting, thinking, disagreeing. You can do anything you put your mind to we have all heard this but we have collectively decided it is not important but here’s the thing. It’s simpler than deciding, it is just doing. How often do we spend life wondering, waiting, thinking about how we could never do something. well think of it like this, every time you consciously decide you cannot do something your reality shifts to include your belief. The instant you tell yourself you will not engage with something you start to focus on other things, you begin to shift into a different reality where that thing you decided against does not and will not exist. However, this does not mean that the chance is gone, it merely means that you have decided to go a different path, as easily as you decide to stop you can decide to start.

The human world we have built around us is filled with dead ends, it is filled with pitfalls and sadness, as it was built on a few men who decided to build it this way, the society we have built up is failing the many but raising the few in charge, therefore, they feel there is no reason to change, they are in charge they are doing fine why do others need to ruin their “good” work.

I’m getting ahead of myself but I’m here to note that you do not have to play by the rules society has given to us. As the progressive era taught us, as the time ahead will teach us, you make your own reality, your beliefs drive your outcomes. Believe you are stuck in the system, you will be, believe you are god and you will be. I am God. You are God. All those who decide to be will be. Separation is an illusion of the physical.

“For what is not can never be and that which is can never cease.” – Ashtavadkra Gita.