I was born was an anxiety disorder, that’s what the doctors would call it anyway. I’m starting to believe that my anxiety stems from an internal disequilibrium with the crazy world around me and my inner tranquility.
As a child, I would often cry about things that had no likelihood of occurring. Monsters attacking, randomly choking on a fork and suffocating to death, my bedroom was my biggest battle in the long run.
I have vivid memories of monsters lurking in the darkness of my closet, in the drawers filled with toys under my bed waiting for me to put a foot down so they could drag me into the abyss, the light coming toward me in the window was always an alien spaceship coming to abduct me and take me away from my family, that part freaked me out the most. All these things happened in my bedroom so I would sneak into my parent’s bed every night I had the opportunity.
That was cute when I was five but once I got a bit bigger and a little less cute they were done with my shit. From a parenting perspective, I completely understand why they would shove me in my room and lock their door so I couldn’t disrupt their sleep with my restless leg syndrome; from my perspective, I was abandoned. I woke up more than a few times in the hallway in front of my parent’s room after crying myself to sleep from emotional disarray and panic. The things in my room were not going to let me survive the night alone in there I was completely sure of that.
I am unsure when or how I decided it was safe to go in but I can tell you that I wasn’t happy about it. The thing is, this experience, no matter how it happened, was about growth. I am now a full grown adult at 20 years old. Many of my peers are struggling to work out their own issues having not faced any battles on their own. I am proud to say I’ve been there and done that.
My anxiety taught me at a young age that risk-taking pays off. I faced my fears, got up off the hallway floor and went into my death filled room. That took bravery. Whether or not there was a risk, in reality, it was a risk none the less. My childhood brain was completely sure I would not make it through the night, many people stay scared when they get scared, they don’t have a locked door preventing them from obvious safety. You can escape into your phone, you can get in the car and drive, but until you stand up and face your fears you are not going to grow.
I believe those like me who are able to face their fears young and feel invincible once they are gone hold on to that feeling of invincibility because if I survived the actual monsters that I know were in there, I can jump any obstacle I come in contact with.